sentimental free-writing

i looked at old pictures of mine, on facebook. the pictures came up by date - the newest were first, the oldest, naturally, last. and two different, almost competing feelings triggered goosebumps. first, i felt like i was looking at a time machine. i could see myself growing, changing - and as i looked at how i used to view life or to think (or at least how i remember it now), i couldn't help but think their was so much wisdom in my happiness, in those smiles. not that i had wisdom, but that that happiness was my wisdom. a joy that i am starting to discover once again. finding it again. like finding a well that is dried up, i am forced to dig deeper. look into the heart of a person who has seen more of the world but must somehow grow in happiness despite this. looking at other people's pictures, i really thought to myself: life goes by so fast, and the best we could do is try to slow it down. we want to live each moment like it counts. live each second like the next isn't coming. like the world was waiting for our very next move. but, poof! this moment is gone, and another opportunity awaits us. now awaits us. the emergency of the present awaits us. wow. and second, i felt like time doesn't exist. i looked at a friend's picture from last october, about 11 months from today. and i swear i felt a familiarity, as if my heart was telling me, "This, this is from yesterday." And then, looking at the date, my eyes betrayed my heart, and my mind spoke, "This, you mean this? This, it's from yesteryear." I felt like i was caught in the explosion of a bomb, and while it rocked my senses to clumsiness, an entire year passed by - the most delightful, satisfactory year i have lived thus far: senior year. the ups and downs of senior year is like presenting a dichotomy that does not matter. because i don't remember the downs anymore. actually i do, but they are so funny to me. they just reverse the world, prove to me that all is well. except, that would not be a christian-endorsed thought: all is well. maybe, all is well with God. but to say that the world is okay? that it's just fine? no. it's going to hell. and this is what i struggle with. how i feel about the world at times and the sad realization that in my faith i must believe the complete opposite. religion is so obssessed with viewing the wrong of the world. i am sick and tired of being nitpicky and so hypocritical. i see a person, recognzie faults, and choose to focus on the positive. i wonder why God can't do that. focus so much on the good that it overwhelms the bad. or is it that in comparison, good pales? except i know the textbook answers to these questions. the textbook christian response to my blubbering rants. man, i remember sitting on perry's bed. i had just been rejected by every college. in the last week of march? first week of april? i don't even remember. as each place rejected me, i just laughed. then berkeley. heart breaker. then la. another one. and now, even though i am super jealous of people who are up there now, i laugh. how many people do i know that chose to screw their college apps? irony. i remember sitting there while doing my college apps, looking at the extracurricular section and thinking... i am nothing but potential. what i have done, to me, it is almost nothing. i want to do something big. and i am nothing but potential.... i look back now with a year of ap psych and think, the best predictor of future performance is past performance. man i want to write and be successful. but i've never hit the glorious road yet. the world has too many exceptions to be categorized under a general statement. looking back, just to about 3 weeks ago, i know i have grown. spiritually, definitely - but i would liken that to climbing a hill that i already climbed (but at least this time i have experience facing the same battles again). intellectually - i've heard people say some smart stuff about literature, but i was blown away by the directness, non-bs, creativity, and the people! my shakespeare class, you already have challenged me, you pushed the snowball that i'm not going to catch for a while, but while im sledding down im going to bump and shove and grapple and hold on until it stops. thank you<3. emotionally. i dont know i am always up and down. sometimes so emo. sometimes, like today, i feel very content. sometimes, i wake up feeling like i am special, like a million bucks just walked into my life, like a million bucks is me, like i am a stargazer. when i say i have grown, i should say i have changed. the books i read are influencing me. the clarity of thought, the progression of ideas, the transition between them, MAN these writers are LEGIT! i ended up writing this to practice. to spill out how i am feeling. i want to be an essayist. i want to write for a living. but i feel like i don't have the tools yet. i need to read, to know first. my grammar is shaky again. i am so stupid. this entire summer i've been speaking in incorrect grammar and now it's hard for me to tell how to speak correctly. eff. hopefully i'll find my magic touch :) man. what a blessed life God gives me. time to read some biblia. i want to. :)