remembering

my favorite post of all time was:
"what if fine isn't good enough.
what if i want extraordinary."

right now, its hard to even be content. i'm not the happy gay guy anymore. i used to smile and find a reason after, and if i couldn't find a reason to, i made one up. i guess i just got sick of smiling. but even still, the smile is on my face. but what i want to say comes out in a long line of expletives. i seriously really cussed either online or in person on 9 different occasions since middle of 8th grade. i think 6 of those times have been in the last couple weeks. cussed outloud in person 3 of those times. once was today. it felt weird. typing words and saying them are worlds apart - one lacks power, the other lacks permanence. it didn't feel liberating. i felt like i was responsible, as if my conscious asked why i used those words, and the only words i could find to justify myself were more expletives, until i found myself caught in a vicious cycle. i should have left another one of my posts alone. i should never have gone back on my words. i'm eating the consequences. in a few days, i'll refer back to this blog to clarify what i mean. i should have remembered what scarlet said to me.