things to change, pt. 1

an intro
first great series ever --> lessons of life, originally a seven part series, of which only 2 remain. that one was universal. i am going to write the next few posts concerning myself. i guess im egotistical. im finding out who i am. it's called things to change. for the next seven posts, i want to face up to things i don't like about myself. honestly. coming open, things that i haven't previously shared with friends. i find people have a hard time pointing out their flaws. and i don't mean the silly ones. but the character ones. digging down deep. it's hard and humiliating sometimes. but, to develop a healthy respect for myself i need to know that i'm not all perfect. which i am not. im doing this so i can work things out in my head.

the real deal.

#1. holding on when it's time to let go - striving after something gone, and so forgetting to celebrate the past.

ironic. one of the lessons of life i found is titled, "never let go." it was talking about friends, and how you pursue them, because they are treasures - and nobody wants to lose treasure. this post is about letting him or her go. there comes a time when the future is impossible. it's become awkward. it's become hard. for me, in this case, it's just that it has become too hard. you can only force a friendship for so long. im sorry. it's just too hard. when keeping a friendship is like work, it's time to let go, and celebrate the past. i always mope around, crying about how things could have been, if they never changed. well son, sit, change happens. and people move on, move literally, and poof. a world becomes different. some friendships can stand this. the bond is almost unbreakable. some bonds, broken. maybe this happens because one friend wants it more than the other. that's how i feel. and i guess this is the end of the road. and i always look at the end, knowing it is there, and i sit there, in silence, wishing for more. i hate that. i know when the end is the end. (different from letting someone go. the end is not there, and yet you just turn onto another path) and more than anything, i will celebrate the times that i enjoyed with you. they were beautiful. one of the best times of my life. a friendship that at times seemed too perfect. seriously. such a good friend. and yet, good bye sometimes seems like the best answer. we only have so many active care points. move on. none of what i say is set in stone. it's just how i feel in this moment. if the road ever opens, or if i find that i was merely blindfolded, i would be thrilled beyond thrill. i dont want to mope about the past, present, or the future. i want to celebrate the past, enjoy the present, and find a future. i hope you find yours too. with love, ferago, me, yi.
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---friendships. i just was ready to sacrifice too much, until it became lopsided.