nostalgia

i was looking through some old posts, some other people's post...
all i could keep thinking was, "i miss those times..."
those times when you knew you were a big a part of someone's life as that person was to you.

to find that you belong, intimately, to find that security, to find that importance.
others would say this would be stupid, i'm immature because i am using someone to fill my holes.
i guess it's just a part of this overwhelming loneliness that i have been aware of ever since i've come to berkeley. maybe i should just rename this blog "times of loneliness spring 2010",  move all my posts, and etc. i just remembered i have a backup of some of my old blog posts on my other laptop, and i hope my parents don't do anything to it. note to self: go look them up.

while i was mired in this loneliness, i could almost hear the skies opening up, the truth falling down, ...
it read, "does it make you feel that much better to know that somebody wrote about you in a blog? that your name was mentioned in a journal? in a diary? does that make you feel loved?"
and i said, "of course, of course... i won't lie, of course."
and i read on, "how long will that diary, blog, journal, tumblr last? who will read it? who cares about it?"
i said, "i dont know, but at least that one person."
and then i read the final lines, "and do you not know that it is you who i spoke of? that at least in part, you are part of the World that i so loved that i sent my only Son? that you are part of my chosen generation? that diary, blog, journal, tumblr, everything they write will fade away. furthermore, they all pale in importance in comparison to the eternal Word. if they are the legacy you hold on to, your legacy is weak, broken, futile, fading. come to me, and you will find rest. what i have said, what i have used others to write, will never fade. come to me."
and i said, how...
and the world opened, the flood gates of blessings opened as i realized, that in me, in this jar of clay, the promise of the cross revealed, of redemption and salvation.
oh Lord make haste, and always hide me in your shadow.
as i become more aware of myself, i become more aware of how much i need you. never let me go. please. let me learn to find a legacy in you and you alone.