on the first night

while staring at the vibrant sun, with two little girls, their father, and a man on the phone as my only companions, i could hear the depths of my soul vibrant for the friend i had once always had. or a place to be. where acceptance was the norm, not the cause of a celebration because it happens rarely but a celebration because it happens surely. instead, i find myself at berkeley, without these friends. at times like this, i miss home. at least then, i knew that i had people i could depend on regularly.

once i got out of class, i felt the loneliness, insignificance, even, in the sea of faces i was flowing with and, at times, against. coming up the elevator, i looked down. i can't bear to see the faces of strangers who might see the words written on my heart but displayed on my face. rushing into my room, i attempt to be lost in another world, and by the time the fifth page is flipped, to another day in another place from where when i cannot be, i fell asleep into the comfort of a nap - the only thing that can be a blessing done alone. upon waking up there was nothing waiting for me, or at least nothing i wished for. even the uncomfortable jeans wished to be let go. and there i was, only longing to come back into a world to which i might belong. i sat, angry and bitter. angry that i shouldn't be bitter. to whom should i be angry? for what reason am i bitter?

they say you get as much from a friendship as you put in. i invest so much into others, if not my time, my energy and emotion, my care and thought, loving them more than they do so back. in this case, i wonder if it is worth it.

i wonder why people commit suicide. will i ever try? it seems so easy, the line between life and death. would i be conspicuous? or pass away, with a silence as sharp as the biting loneliness i feel in times like these? who would even care? i would make a list, but that seems too cruel.

oh God light me up that I may live for you,
that in the midst when all friends are not near,
that you would hold me,
let me be still; i will wait upon the Lord,
though no one may come to rescue me,
even if my friends go, an endless retreat,
i will wait for you to come
for my heart surely know, you will come.

Father, come, for i am weak and i am failing,
the words i offer or the sacrifices i make
fall too short for your glorious presence.
by the power of your Son, the Anointed One,
by him alone am i redeemed and are my words
glorious in your eyes.

bless Your holy name, Lord of Hosts, Almighty,
glory be to Jesus, my Savior,
oh Holy Spirit forever you are good,
praise yourself through me,
may my weakly seeing eyes perceive
the goodness of who You are,
how right Your paths
that lead me not astray.

forever you are God.
to eternity through eternity You are praised.
the great I Am has spoken
to a generation running away.

turn to Him, to the God of our generation.

broken, we come to you.
continually broken,
we see the needs we have
and they are infinite.

oh Lord that you would haste the day,
that i may lift up my head
straighten my back,

redeem us.